My kid is sitting up on his own!!!! What I mean is, he's laying down and then sitting up. SO KEWL!!!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Okay, so last night I ask Shane to help me pack bc we're moving this week. After I listen to him whine about how we have plenty of time, he finally decides to help me as long as I just let him do it and don't interfere. Well before the night's over he packed up all the food (that we're going to need for the next week AND is going to his parents house once we move, not in storage) in plastic bins that should be used to for the storage bound items. And not only that, it's mixed with kitchen appliances and dish rags and all kinds of things that are going in about 3 different places. But I can't say anything because then I am being too picky and it gives him an excuse to say, "Well you asked for my help so I'm helping, but now I'm not doing anything right so what's the point?" and then stomp off and leave it for me to do anyway... which would have probably been the right thing to do in the first place because now I have to repack it anyway... and with a baby to watch at the same time.
He came home last night and was talking about how he worked all day (office work, phone calls, etc.) and now he's gunna watch the baby so I can work (pack)... ugh, Hello?! Do you not call watching a 7 month old who has just learned to navigate the home, scream when he can't have what he wants, scream when he wants attention, scream when he wants food, then promptly change his mind, scream when he's tired instead of just falling asleep.... do you REALLY not consider that work? If the child was ALL I had to do then it wouldn't be as bad. But I've got to clean, pack the entire house, prepare for dinner, right a resume, apply for jobs, feed myself (which actually ends up being chore), and get things ready to leave when Shane gets home from work (only to have the plans canceled anyway) all while taking care of that kid. NOT EASY. It IS work.
I would really appreciate some help in getting this crap done rather than take the only break I have and bust my ass trying to do it all at once with a completely un-understanding husband in the living room watching more racing videos and looking up more performance parts to put on my car when WE HAVE NECCESITIES TO WORRY ABOUT FIRST! We have to be out of here in 5 days and all he can think about is a damn throttle body.
WHY are guys so naive?
He came home last night and was talking about how he worked all day (office work, phone calls, etc.) and now he's gunna watch the baby so I can work (pack)... ugh, Hello?! Do you not call watching a 7 month old who has just learned to navigate the home, scream when he can't have what he wants, scream when he wants attention, scream when he wants food, then promptly change his mind, scream when he's tired instead of just falling asleep.... do you REALLY not consider that work? If the child was ALL I had to do then it wouldn't be as bad. But I've got to clean, pack the entire house, prepare for dinner, right a resume, apply for jobs, feed myself (which actually ends up being chore), and get things ready to leave when Shane gets home from work (only to have the plans canceled anyway) all while taking care of that kid. NOT EASY. It IS work.
I would really appreciate some help in getting this crap done rather than take the only break I have and bust my ass trying to do it all at once with a completely un-understanding husband in the living room watching more racing videos and looking up more performance parts to put on my car when WE HAVE NECCESITIES TO WORRY ABOUT FIRST! We have to be out of here in 5 days and all he can think about is a damn throttle body.
WHY are guys so naive?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Creative writing at a time of boredom
Today seems to be normal as opposed to last week. The alarm actually went off, Shane was gone when I awoke and the baby was right on time with his morning feeding which he times precisely according to one of two events. One, Shane slamming the door as he leaves for work or Two, the sounds of me turning over in bed to get comfortable with all my newly acquired, husbandless space. It's inevitable. In any case, it's 15 past noon and I'm taking a break from all my packing to write a little about... something. Or maybe nothing.
I've got an applause audio clip playing on my television behind me that was probably placed at the end of the video from some small job-hungry town in Thailand. Even though my son is interested in the constant changing light radiating from his over priced Walmart "gloE" teddy bear, the supposedly educational movie showing the attention grabbing fiber optic lights, spinning tops and a vast assortment of ancient toys is still selfishly pouring itself into my silence.
On my desk sits my current craving. A can of non caffeinated root beer. There, awkwardly in the the corner surrounded by a three week old package of soft mint candy and a clump of business cards I've collected with the intention of redesigning the logo that rests silently in the corner of each one. Every logo stood out to me in some way. The shape, the color, the perception of depth, the shading, the momentary flashback I received upon first glance that brought me back to some distant childhood memory. They all managed to seduce my already limited attention span just long enough to find a home on a dust covered portion of my desk sitting next to my much loved can of previously mentioned root beer.
On the floor to my left is a multi flavored tin of Christmas popcorn that I buy religiously for the main man in my life, formerly my father. The lid is misshapen and ugly from lack of appropriate seating. On it there is painted a picture of an ideal Christmas village with snow covered rooftops, snowmen, horse drawn carriages, beautiful naked trees and houses lit with lights that encourage the seasons joyful spirit. The tin itself is mostly empty with nothing but the crunchy caramel bits swimming in crumbs left from the apparently more favored selections.
From the corner of my eye I see the consistently blinking green bulbs from one of the black cased pieces of technology hidden in the mass of old receipts, coupons, bottles and glasses on my husbands overly cluttered desk. They blink on and off teasing me, knowing I'm waiting for them to show a bright steady green glow of power. It's sleek slender body towering on top of everything else, both metaphorically and physically. It's vented housing, it's UPC, it's CAT5 snaking it's way up from the PC at my feet. I'm full of sorrow to see the lack of traveling packets, I miss the mini globe that sits quietly in the corner of my screen. Those blinking lights symbolize something. They laugh at my frequent stares and many scowls. What is it they're saying?
Your net is out.
I've got an applause audio clip playing on my television behind me that was probably placed at the end of the video from some small job-hungry town in Thailand. Even though my son is interested in the constant changing light radiating from his over priced Walmart "gloE" teddy bear, the supposedly educational movie showing the attention grabbing fiber optic lights, spinning tops and a vast assortment of ancient toys is still selfishly pouring itself into my silence.
On my desk sits my current craving. A can of non caffeinated root beer. There, awkwardly in the the corner surrounded by a three week old package of soft mint candy and a clump of business cards I've collected with the intention of redesigning the logo that rests silently in the corner of each one. Every logo stood out to me in some way. The shape, the color, the perception of depth, the shading, the momentary flashback I received upon first glance that brought me back to some distant childhood memory. They all managed to seduce my already limited attention span just long enough to find a home on a dust covered portion of my desk sitting next to my much loved can of previously mentioned root beer.
On the floor to my left is a multi flavored tin of Christmas popcorn that I buy religiously for the main man in my life, formerly my father. The lid is misshapen and ugly from lack of appropriate seating. On it there is painted a picture of an ideal Christmas village with snow covered rooftops, snowmen, horse drawn carriages, beautiful naked trees and houses lit with lights that encourage the seasons joyful spirit. The tin itself is mostly empty with nothing but the crunchy caramel bits swimming in crumbs left from the apparently more favored selections.
From the corner of my eye I see the consistently blinking green bulbs from one of the black cased pieces of technology hidden in the mass of old receipts, coupons, bottles and glasses on my husbands overly cluttered desk. They blink on and off teasing me, knowing I'm waiting for them to show a bright steady green glow of power. It's sleek slender body towering on top of everything else, both metaphorically and physically. It's vented housing, it's UPC, it's CAT5 snaking it's way up from the PC at my feet. I'm full of sorrow to see the lack of traveling packets, I miss the mini globe that sits quietly in the corner of my screen. Those blinking lights symbolize something. They laugh at my frequent stares and many scowls. What is it they're saying?
Your net is out.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Venting
Alright. Well today is like the 3rd day in a row that Shane's been out doing his thing all day long. I'm home with Stryker and so is he... but he's outside with my cousin playing "Supe up 'MY' car." He seems to be taking ownership of it now. I'm starting to feel like I own nothing anymore. Anything I have that he likes is suddenly his. Which I don't mind sharing but I feel like I have to be selfish and keep the things I value to myself if I want them to remain functioning, in one piece and still mine.
Anyhow, back on track. Since Christmas Justin has been Shane's little side kick. All he's missing is the spandex and a cape. Always outside, working on the car (it's not broke), leaving to go buy more parts and come back empty handed, leaving me inside with Justin's girlfriend the entire time. And they stay as late as 2am. It sucks. I mean I don't mind the company but sometimes I just want to sleep and enjoy my time with JUST the family. I can't do that. And I even asked Shane, "Can you PLEASE make sure they leave by 11pm?" Well... no. They didn't. And now, after just talking about this a few hours ago, Shane's off again with Justin going to the auto parts store to buy more parts leaving me home with the kid. Now, he did ask if I wanted to go but come on, 3 adults and a car seat (that has to sit angled in the back) in a car that fits 4 people (only 2 comfortably). No thanks, I'll stay home. So here I am again in the same situation I've been in for the past 2 weeks. (For you random readers, I drive a Mustang)
I feel guilty for feeling this way. I just want to spend time with him. I love my son but I am with JUST him 5 days a week. I look forward to Shane coming home during the week and actually having the weekend off. But between having to work on the room at his Dad's (which is completely justified and I'm not complaining) and he and Justin, I can't ever seem to get that time with him. I understand that he doesn't have that many friends down here and for him to "find himself" in my cousin, that's awesome. I'm all for it. But I just.. I don't know. Shane said it's jealousy. Which I can see where he gets that from but I see it more as frustration.
Is it wrong to want to spend time with him? He is the only one working. He works 7:30-5:00 Monday through Friday, then comes home. Usually we have no money and therefore nothing to do, always stuck in the house but due to recent events that has changed... for now. So for the past year and a half he's been working 6 days a week and unpaid over time (until 3 months ago) and we've been scraping by, living check to check. He really had nothing to do to enjoy himself, and now he does. He and Justin have a lot in common. He enjoys have someone he can relate to. But I'm in the same boat. I have been stuck home with the baby, in the house, no change of environment. I want out too. I want to be able to spend time with my husband but at the same time he wants to enjoy himself too. I feel stuck. I want him to enjoy himself, but it's a my expense. And I feel bad for saying it that way because it seems like I'm being selfish. I want to be able to do what I do and be happy. I'm just not happy.
I came to the realization the other day that I always feel guilty for things wether or not they are my fault. It's how I grew up I think. Mom has a pride thing. She can't be wrong and when you're at her mercy it's either accept defeat or be punished for it. I've had plenty of both options and I think that's where my problem lies. With that being said it's hard to see my own problems from a third persons point of view and be able to tell if what I'm feeling is justified or selfish.
I'll leave today's events a that... night guys.
Anyhow, back on track. Since Christmas Justin has been Shane's little side kick. All he's missing is the spandex and a cape. Always outside, working on the car (it's not broke), leaving to go buy more parts and come back empty handed, leaving me inside with Justin's girlfriend the entire time. And they stay as late as 2am. It sucks. I mean I don't mind the company but sometimes I just want to sleep and enjoy my time with JUST the family. I can't do that. And I even asked Shane, "Can you PLEASE make sure they leave by 11pm?" Well... no. They didn't. And now, after just talking about this a few hours ago, Shane's off again with Justin going to the auto parts store to buy more parts leaving me home with the kid. Now, he did ask if I wanted to go but come on, 3 adults and a car seat (that has to sit angled in the back) in a car that fits 4 people (only 2 comfortably). No thanks, I'll stay home. So here I am again in the same situation I've been in for the past 2 weeks. (For you random readers, I drive a Mustang)
I feel guilty for feeling this way. I just want to spend time with him. I love my son but I am with JUST him 5 days a week. I look forward to Shane coming home during the week and actually having the weekend off. But between having to work on the room at his Dad's (which is completely justified and I'm not complaining) and he and Justin, I can't ever seem to get that time with him. I understand that he doesn't have that many friends down here and for him to "find himself" in my cousin, that's awesome. I'm all for it. But I just.. I don't know. Shane said it's jealousy. Which I can see where he gets that from but I see it more as frustration.
Is it wrong to want to spend time with him? He is the only one working. He works 7:30-5:00 Monday through Friday, then comes home. Usually we have no money and therefore nothing to do, always stuck in the house but due to recent events that has changed... for now. So for the past year and a half he's been working 6 days a week and unpaid over time (until 3 months ago) and we've been scraping by, living check to check. He really had nothing to do to enjoy himself, and now he does. He and Justin have a lot in common. He enjoys have someone he can relate to. But I'm in the same boat. I have been stuck home with the baby, in the house, no change of environment. I want out too. I want to be able to spend time with my husband but at the same time he wants to enjoy himself too. I feel stuck. I want him to enjoy himself, but it's a my expense. And I feel bad for saying it that way because it seems like I'm being selfish. I want to be able to do what I do and be happy. I'm just not happy.
I came to the realization the other day that I always feel guilty for things wether or not they are my fault. It's how I grew up I think. Mom has a pride thing. She can't be wrong and when you're at her mercy it's either accept defeat or be punished for it. I've had plenty of both options and I think that's where my problem lies. With that being said it's hard to see my own problems from a third persons point of view and be able to tell if what I'm feeling is justified or selfish.
I'll leave today's events a that... night guys.
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