My Fantasy Life

When I was younger I use to fantasize about growing up and starting a family. I imagined waking up in the morning with the sun shining in my room through the lacy curtains while surrounded by fluffy white sheets and comforters. My son would come charging into my room and make a running leap for the bed where my amazing husband and I would tag team him in a giant tickle match. After all the fun we’d head downstairs and I’d make us breakfast that consisted of blueberry pancakes, strawberries and a glass of orange juice. It was the perfect bright and sunny day with a loving family in a perfect world…

What I have now is this… I have been living with my husbands parents since February of this year. I have a one year old son who lives in my room with my husband and I which is actually a garage we closed in. Instead of white fluffy sheets and comforters we have clearanced sheets from an outlet store and a grey king sized blanket for a comforter. My husband is gone when I get up in the morning and my son has usually taken his place in the bed by then. I wake up to him repositioning his elbow in my face and then a wet spot in the bed from his diaper that I forgot to change before I put him down the night before. His breakfast usually consists of milk and cherrios while I settle for a glass of sweet tea.

I didn’t get the fantasy life I dreamed of. I find reasons to pout and moan about my current situation but you know what? Somewhere between the dirty sheets and the lake I’m left with after bath time, I find peace in my life. I wake up to a beautiful, clueless, blond little boy smiling at me through a binky. I nibble at his fingers when he shares his breakfast with me in the mornings. I tingle with joy when he brings me a blanket and crawls into my lap for nap time. And I stand back and smile every time I put him in his (my) favorite cars pajamas with matching slippers. It’s the simple things in life that make it worth living.

I was not expecting this child but my little boy and his father are the best things that ever happened to me. I get so wrapped up in life and in routine that I don’t stop to cherish the moments that matter. I worry too much about finances and who’s not doing what that I lose sight of what’s important. WHO is important. Without my husband and my son I would not be where I am today. You may not see this as anywhere special, but to me I am with my family and that is all I need.



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AWOL

Today Shane and I had a very long talk inspired by a not so long argument. To sum it up, AWOL.

AWOL is A Way Of Life. Everyone has one and its no secret that we don't always agree with another persons "WOL" or Way Of Life. That can not be changed. At least not as easily as how you let it effect you. So, starting today Shane and I are working together to make the best of a "bad" situation. Lots of changes are in store for this coming season. Mainly from me.

There are lots of things about my personality that were shaped by the people around me and not all of them I am proud of. They are things that I have tried to change but they refuse to let loose their grip on me. So it's time for a new technique. Instead of getting rid of said personality flaws, I have decided, with the help of my amazing husband, to create a new way of expressing myself in those moments of reckless thinking and overwhelming frustration. A blog. Not a public blog, because those of you involved in my frustration would most likely take major offense to my built-up and over exaggerated interpretation of the current situation. But writing down all my thoughts is no good without someone to share them with. This is where my before mentioned amazing husband comes riding in on his mighty steed (a Mustang of course) of peeling paint and brake dust that he adopted as his own after we married. But that's another story :)

My amazing car stealing husband will read my blogs of anger and we will talk about it if needed. I'm pretty sure they will be self explanatory. None the less, my personality flaws can continue on while my feelings get released and my stress dies down. I'm hoping eventually this process will allow me to let loose of these things that urk me about myself.

This is just one of the new changes coming. Others include slapping a Joker grin on my face despite my feelings and keeping my life between Shane and I instead of talking them out with others. These are both to avoid clashes of the phenomenon previously refereed to as AWOL. My life is my business so I need to make sure it stays that way.

Also, I have recently came to the realization that no matter how many things I do to keep other people satisfied in the end everyone is still grumpy, including me. So why try in vain to please others at my own expense when I can at least make myself happy? -- This is the basis of my new WOL. From now on the goal is to put my happiness first as well as that of my family and once that goal is met then I can tend to everyone else. No more am I going to continue on feeling used and unappreciated. If I'm not happy with myself, then I guess everyone else is just going to have to learn to make their own bed.


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A Mothers Realization

For years I've heard parents talk about the joy their children have brought them and I have never understood how the statement could have been anything more than an obligation to morality. But now that I'm a parent I see it differently. No matter how much of Hell this boy has raised, at the end of everyday I sit next to his crib staring at my sleeping child and realize how he has brought more joy into my life in a year than anything else I have ever experienced.


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Progress

Today went well. Eh, in respect to the time I guess I should say "yesterday went well." I drove out to my Grandpas house around 2 and didn't leave until 6. He enjoyed the visit and I brought Stryker with me so there was more bonding.

I love seeing the two of them together. It reminds me of when I used to spend time with my Grandma Gabby before she died when I was 3. Well, technically she was my Great Grandma Gabby and technically not my real Great Grandma because my Grandmother was adopted by her when her Niece got pregnant at 13. But in any case, I loved that woman. She was the classic Grandmother that always let me play with her antique mini furniture even when Mom would tell me not to touch it and to stop standing on the chair. Haha. Those were the days. When all it took was a quivering bottom lip from a little girl in a blue laced ruffled dress to stop anyone in their tracks.

Getting back on topic. I learned a lot from Grandpa today. He knows so much about our family history. He remembers dates and names like no one I've never met. It's amazing. There's so much intelligence and wisdom in that old man. I wish he could pass all that knowledge on to me. I love my Grandpa. I'm hoping that maybe I can find more information on his father soon. I'm sure that would make him happy. His father died about 2 weeks before he and his brother were born. They were twins. His brother died in 82. But Grandpa is still alive and kickin. He will be 75 on the 6th. Five more days!

I can't wait until I get my hands on a scanner to upload these pictures he gave me! These things are amazing. Hopefully I will have more family information soon. Off to sleep for now, it's past my bed time ; )


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Vent

So I'm kind of in an awkward position right now. I feel like the relationship between my husband and I is falling apart. We always seem to be arguing, and it's over the simplest things... Well not always, but petty things are certainly common.

I feel like he isn't happy with me. Like he doesn't want to be close to me anymore. Just tonight, less than an hour ago I gave him a hug while in tears telling him that I'm tired of arguing. He couldn't even stop what he was doing to hug me like he meant it. He had my car keys in one hand and was giving me the most obligated hug known to mankind with the other. I don't know how to take it anymore. Part of me feels like there's no point in going on but I can't give up, my son is involved.

I want back what we used to have so bad. I miss waking up in the morning to him running his hands through my hair and lightly kissing my face when he thought I was still sleeping. Or the little notes he'd leave for me on my laptop. Even things as simple as coming home from work with a bag of sunflower seeds for me with a flower tucked in it.

I miss that feeling of overwhelming love anytime I thought of him. I miss that feeling of constant desire to do something special for him, even if that meant having heart shaped biscuits for dinner or a woven duct tape sign stuck to the side of his computer desk. I know the lovey dovey stuff doesn't last forever but I also know that it shouldn't lead to this.

He's slept on the couch a lot recently. Tonight probably too. Only this time with my assistance. I feel like were getting farther and farther apart. And we're talking about owning a home once I find a decent job. I don't see that as a good idea when we don't even know of we can manage to stay together at this point.

Well I think I'm calling it quits for right now. That's enough venting for me. I'm tired of thinking about this.


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Things I hate

You know what I hate? People who think they know my motives and my reasoning behind decisions. I hate people who think they know what's best for me when they are on the completely wrong track. People who offer me advice on a topic that they failed miserably in and not because they learned from their mistakes... They're telling me to do the same things they did. And you know what else I hate? Something that really irks me... I make one "mistake" and all of a sudden you're a fucking God. I am weak and inconsiderate. I don't think, I just act. If the baby is upset and crying and I am laying in bed coughing my lungs up, you find it justified to get up and sleep in the living room and leave me with a screaming one year old for the next hour just because, " you guys cough too much and I ain't never going to get any sleep."It's nice to know you care.

Oh and I've got another one. I sit down in your chair and all of a sudden you need your computer because those YouTube videos just can't wait. But you need my computer and no reason in the world is good enough for you not to have your way. And then you have the nerve to say, "oh well it's mine anyway if you want to be like that. I had it before we were married." Yeah, well you know that nice Mustang you drive to work every day? Well guess who bought that before they were married? Asshole.


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Decisions and Concequences

You know the worst part about having someone mad at you? Every time they say something your eyes light up just long enough for you to be let down again when you realize it wasn't you they were talking to. It sucks but its life. Now on to another topic.

I quit my job. The job that has given me less than 8 hours a week for the past month. The job whose last Biweekly check was 80 bucks. The job that paid minimum wage and got me nothing but headaches. Yeah, that job. Dairy Queen. While the facts remain that 160 dollars a month for the bullshit I was putting up with was not worth it... I quit a job in this economy. Stupid, right? So its natural for others not to agree with my decision, but I made my decision. And now that all the criticism is coming through I have to stand up for myself and that dreaded decision less I be crushed by all the comments and opinions of those who have nice, stable, well paying jobs.

What else can I do? I have talked about my problems at work with these people for a good while now. I have told them what was done in each situation and they agreed with me that it was unfair and it needed to be reported and that it was something that shouldn't be left unsaid. While the problems persisted and I hung on, these people still agreed with my opinion on the entire situation. After a series of incidences came and gone I was growing tired of dealing with it. I talked about different options and I talked about quitting. I asked advise and took the info into consideration. I told myself and them... I will deal with it now but if they give me one more reason to quit, I'm gone. They gave me another reason... and I stayed. Not even a week later, they gave me another one. THEN I left. It wasn't sudden. It wasn't random. It wasn't out of laziness and it wasn't because I was to weak to push through it. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and singled out while working less than 8 hours a week at minimum wage in a fast food joint. I'm sorry disappointed followers. I feel I am better than that.

Decisions, decisions

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions that not only effect ourselves but inadvertently effect those around us as well. It's in times like these that I find motivation to excel and meet expectations beyond what is expected to be seen. The question is, do I put that to the test or continue on in agony while dealing with one of Gods most disgusting creatures... To be continued.

Scheduling Nightmare

The latest... I've been having some problems at work with an old friend who just happens to be the assistant manager. She's in charge of the scheduling and no matter how many times I say I can't work until 6:15 she somehow manages to schedule me for 5 or 5:30. Which isn't that big a deal to me because I'm not showing up until 6:15 anyway, I just can't. And she called me up on my day off to tell me I had a bad close the night before... REALLY?? I work at Dairy Queen making minimum wage. Do you really expect me to care about my job when I'm not there? I wrote a letter to the store manager about both of the incidences and ever since then its been a silent feud. More 5 o'clock scheduling, less hours, and then there was today. Today is Sunday, the day I work. Well as it turns out I was suppose to work yesterday night too... Or so they said. After clearing things up with the store manager and thinking everything is alright I find out the bitch wrote me up for it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I check the schedule and there I am from 6 to cl on Saturday night. But wait... What's this? Eraser marks... And my co workers name imprinted in the paper behind mine? Yeah, she did it. Changed my schedule and didn't tell me then wrote me up when I didn't show. Nice one, Asshole. It's not the first time she's done this. Other employees have had it happen to them too, only they caught the change and actually showed up. And not only that I was told from multiple different sources that when closing she will let the employees work until the place is spotless, completely disregarding the fact that they have to be gone by a certain time each night. Well to keep her name clear and the numbers right, she will go in and change the "clock out" times of each employee to the time they were suppose to have left, ripping off the employees of their rightful hours and pay. Brilliant, right?

And the kicker? In this down economy it's the only job I could get and I only got it because I knew the right people... Her. So now I have an obligation to my husband and son to keep this second income and be stomped on by a so-called friend.

That's just life, right?







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Neglect

Lately I've been been feeling down and depressed. I feel unwanted and ugly. Ugly, in both the physical sense as well as the mental sense.

I hate the way my present relationship is with my husband compared to what it used to be. We used to be close. We used to be involved with each other. Now I feel like all I get is the cold shoulder anytime I try to initiate any sort of spousal bond.

If I try to cuddle up next to him in bed he either turns his back to me or yanks his arm above his head. I try and give him a kiss and he turns his head away from me, which I think is a subconscious move, but with the way I'm feeling anything that even remotely resembles rejection hurts like hell.

What started this tonight was when I went to cuddle with him he snatched his arm to his side and pulled the blanket up to his neck.

We've been arguing more than usual lately and I know it's not all just me. Between work, a teething baby and the drama that comes along with living with your in laws, we've been stressed a lot and as a result, snapping at each other.

I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. I feel neglected, he knows this. What can I do about it other than vent to myself over the Internet and cry silently in the corner because I'm ashamed of the whole situation.

I feel stuck. I get up in the mornings to whimpering dogs, piss on the floor, and food and drink left out on the counter and side tables from the night before. Dishes in the sink that I try to throw in the dish washer only to find that it's still full of the dishes that I washed a week ago. I clean the living room of toys and blankets and what I assume were late night snacks. After a while I'm able to settle down just in time for my one year old to start crying for attention. We go in the bedroom, that remains a mess bc I'm already tired of cleaning for the time being, to play for a while before heading back to the living room and watching the soaps for an hour and hopefully getting the little one to sleep for a bit. Then one by one the residence trickle in from work and by 5:18 I'm up getting ready to head out the door and trade my responsibilities with my husband's.

My day isn't always this way. The house isn't always that much of mess, but things are more often than not, a hectic routine and that routine has worn out it's welcome. Obligations get the best of me. This is where my stress lies. Shane's is an entirely different story but its one I can't accurately tell so I won't bother.

Long story short... I feel like shit.



(This is how I feel. I do not publicly advertise this blog so if you read it and feel offended, I'm sorry but I am not removing the post nor editing it's content. If you don't like it, don't read it.)

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Location:Margate Dr,Jacksonville,United States

Handling Frustration

Today was challenging. I was the one everyone felt like venting to which normally wouldn't bother me. But when you direct all of your problems at me and snap at me throughout the day for things as stupid as putting an old diaper bag in the wrong place in the truck of MY OWN car... Then enough is enough. Today has held lots and lots of ups and downs and apologies and fuck you's and even more I'm sorry's and hugs but in the end I hold my head high because through all the trouble and the frustration I was able to see through it and manage the situation in a way that not only benefitted me, but the others as well. And for that reason alone, today has been Amazing :)


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Poop and Trash

Somethings are just never achievable. You try to accommodate and please other people and life has a way of letting you think you are accomplishing that task when in reality you're still stepping on toes when all you really meant to do was shed a little humorous light on an unimportant, uncontrollable event.


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My kid is sitting up on his own!!!! What I mean is, he's laying down and then sitting up. SO KEWL!!!

Okay, so last night I ask Shane to help me pack bc we're moving this week. After I listen to him whine about how we have plenty of time, he finally decides to help me as long as I just let him do it and don't interfere. Well before the night's over he packed up all the food (that we're going to need for the next week AND is going to his parents house once we move, not in storage) in plastic bins that should be used to for the storage bound items. And not only that, it's mixed with kitchen appliances and dish rags and all kinds of things that are going in about 3 different places. But I can't say anything because then I am being too picky and it gives him an excuse to say, "Well you asked for my help so I'm helping, but now I'm not doing anything right so what's the point?" and then stomp off and leave it for me to do anyway... which would have probably been the right thing to do in the first place because now I have to repack it anyway... and with a baby to watch at the same time.

He came home last night and was talking about how he worked all day (office work, phone calls, etc.) and now he's gunna watch the baby so I can work (pack)... ugh, Hello?! Do you not call watching a 7 month old who has just learned to navigate the home, scream when he can't have what he wants, scream when he wants attention, scream when he wants food, then promptly change his mind, scream when he's tired instead of just falling asleep.... do you REALLY not consider that work? If the child was ALL I had to do then it wouldn't be as bad. But I've got to clean, pack the entire house, prepare for dinner, right a resume, apply for jobs, feed myself (which actually ends up being chore), and get things ready to leave when Shane gets home from work (only to have the plans canceled anyway) all while taking care of that kid. NOT EASY. It IS work.

I would really appreciate some help in getting this crap done rather than take the only break I have and bust my ass trying to do it all at once with a completely un-understanding husband in the living room watching more racing videos and looking up more performance parts to put on my car when WE HAVE NECCESITIES TO WORRY ABOUT FIRST! We have to be out of here in 5 days and all he can think about is a damn throttle body.

WHY are guys so naive?

Creative writing at a time of boredom

Today seems to be normal as opposed to last week. The alarm actually went off, Shane was gone when I awoke and the baby was right on time with his morning feeding which he times precisely according to one of two events. One, Shane slamming the door as he leaves for work or Two, the sounds of me turning over in bed to get comfortable with all my newly acquired, husbandless space. It's inevitable. In any case, it's 15 past noon and I'm taking a break from all my packing to write a little about... something. Or maybe nothing.

I've got an applause audio clip playing on my television behind me that was probably placed at the end of the video from some small job-hungry town in Thailand. Even though my son is interested in the constant changing light radiating from his over priced Walmart "gloE" teddy bear, the supposedly educational movie showing the attention grabbing fiber optic lights, spinning tops and a vast assortment of ancient toys is still selfishly pouring itself into my silence.

On my desk sits my current craving. A can of non caffeinated root beer. There, awkwardly in the the corner surrounded by a three week old package of soft mint candy and a clump of business cards I've collected with the intention of redesigning the logo that rests silently in the corner of each one. Every logo stood out to me in some way. The shape, the color, the perception of depth, the shading, the momentary flashback I received upon first glance that brought me back to some distant childhood memory. They all managed to seduce my already limited attention span just long enough to find a home on a dust covered portion of my desk sitting next to my much loved can of previously mentioned root beer.

On the floor to my left is a multi flavored tin of Christmas popcorn that I buy religiously for the main man in my life, formerly my father. The lid is misshapen and ugly from lack of appropriate seating. On it there is painted a picture of an ideal Christmas village with snow covered rooftops, snowmen, horse drawn carriages, beautiful naked trees and houses lit with lights that encourage the seasons joyful spirit. The tin itself is mostly empty with nothing but the crunchy caramel bits swimming in crumbs left from the apparently more favored selections.

From the corner of my eye I see the consistently blinking green bulbs from one of the black cased pieces of technology hidden in the mass of old receipts, coupons, bottles and glasses on my husbands overly cluttered desk. They blink on and off teasing me, knowing I'm waiting for them to show a bright steady green glow of power. It's sleek slender body towering on top of everything else, both metaphorically and physically. It's vented housing, it's UPC, it's CAT5 snaking it's way up from the PC at my feet. I'm full of sorrow to see the lack of traveling packets, I miss the mini globe that sits quietly in the corner of my screen. Those blinking lights symbolize something. They laugh at my frequent stares and many scowls. What is it they're saying?

Your net is out.

Venting

Alright. Well today is like the 3rd day in a row that Shane's been out doing his thing all day long. I'm home with Stryker and so is he... but he's outside with my cousin playing "Supe up 'MY' car." He seems to be taking ownership of it now. I'm starting to feel like I own nothing anymore. Anything I have that he likes is suddenly his. Which I don't mind sharing but I feel like I have to be selfish and keep the things I value to myself if I want them to remain functioning, in one piece and still mine.

Anyhow, back on track. Since Christmas Justin has been Shane's little side kick. All he's missing is the spandex and a cape. Always outside, working on the car (it's not broke), leaving to go buy more parts and come back empty handed, leaving me inside with Justin's girlfriend the entire time. And they stay as late as 2am. It sucks. I mean I don't mind the company but sometimes I just want to sleep and enjoy my time with JUST the family. I can't do that. And I even asked Shane, "Can you PLEASE make sure they leave by 11pm?" Well... no. They didn't. And now, after just talking about this a few hours ago, Shane's off again with Justin going to the auto parts store to buy more parts leaving me home with the kid. Now, he did ask if I wanted to go but come on, 3 adults and a car seat (that has to sit angled in the back) in a car that fits 4 people (only 2 comfortably). No thanks, I'll stay home. So here I am again in the same situation I've been in for the past 2 weeks. (For you random readers, I drive a Mustang)

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I just want to spend time with him. I love my son but I am with JUST him 5 days a week. I look forward to Shane coming home during the week and actually having the weekend off. But between having to work on the room at his Dad's (which is completely justified and I'm not complaining) and he and Justin, I can't ever seem to get that time with him. I understand that he doesn't have that many friends down here and for him to "find himself" in my cousin, that's awesome. I'm all for it. But I just.. I don't know. Shane said it's jealousy. Which I can see where he gets that from but I see it more as frustration.

Is it wrong to want to spend time with him? He is the only one working. He works 7:30-5:00 Monday through Friday, then comes home. Usually we have no money and therefore nothing to do, always stuck in the house but due to recent events that has changed... for now. So for the past year and a half he's been working 6 days a week and unpaid over time (until 3 months ago) and we've been scraping by, living check to check. He really had nothing to do to enjoy himself, and now he does. He and Justin have a lot in common. He enjoys have someone he can relate to. But I'm in the same boat. I have been stuck home with the baby, in the house, no change of environment. I want out too. I want to be able to spend time with my husband but at the same time he wants to enjoy himself too. I feel stuck. I want him to enjoy himself, but it's a my expense. And I feel bad for saying it that way because it seems like I'm being selfish. I want to be able to do what I do and be happy. I'm just not happy.

I came to the realization the other day that I always feel guilty for things wether or not they are my fault. It's how I grew up I think. Mom has a pride thing. She can't be wrong and when you're at her mercy it's either accept defeat or be punished for it. I've had plenty of both options and I think that's where my problem lies. With that being said it's hard to see my own problems from a third persons point of view and be able to tell if what I'm feeling is justified or selfish.

I'll leave today's events a that... night guys.