Venting

Alright. Well today is like the 3rd day in a row that Shane's been out doing his thing all day long. I'm home with Stryker and so is he... but he's outside with my cousin playing "Supe up 'MY' car." He seems to be taking ownership of it now. I'm starting to feel like I own nothing anymore. Anything I have that he likes is suddenly his. Which I don't mind sharing but I feel like I have to be selfish and keep the things I value to myself if I want them to remain functioning, in one piece and still mine.

Anyhow, back on track. Since Christmas Justin has been Shane's little side kick. All he's missing is the spandex and a cape. Always outside, working on the car (it's not broke), leaving to go buy more parts and come back empty handed, leaving me inside with Justin's girlfriend the entire time. And they stay as late as 2am. It sucks. I mean I don't mind the company but sometimes I just want to sleep and enjoy my time with JUST the family. I can't do that. And I even asked Shane, "Can you PLEASE make sure they leave by 11pm?" Well... no. They didn't. And now, after just talking about this a few hours ago, Shane's off again with Justin going to the auto parts store to buy more parts leaving me home with the kid. Now, he did ask if I wanted to go but come on, 3 adults and a car seat (that has to sit angled in the back) in a car that fits 4 people (only 2 comfortably). No thanks, I'll stay home. So here I am again in the same situation I've been in for the past 2 weeks. (For you random readers, I drive a Mustang)

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I just want to spend time with him. I love my son but I am with JUST him 5 days a week. I look forward to Shane coming home during the week and actually having the weekend off. But between having to work on the room at his Dad's (which is completely justified and I'm not complaining) and he and Justin, I can't ever seem to get that time with him. I understand that he doesn't have that many friends down here and for him to "find himself" in my cousin, that's awesome. I'm all for it. But I just.. I don't know. Shane said it's jealousy. Which I can see where he gets that from but I see it more as frustration.

Is it wrong to want to spend time with him? He is the only one working. He works 7:30-5:00 Monday through Friday, then comes home. Usually we have no money and therefore nothing to do, always stuck in the house but due to recent events that has changed... for now. So for the past year and a half he's been working 6 days a week and unpaid over time (until 3 months ago) and we've been scraping by, living check to check. He really had nothing to do to enjoy himself, and now he does. He and Justin have a lot in common. He enjoys have someone he can relate to. But I'm in the same boat. I have been stuck home with the baby, in the house, no change of environment. I want out too. I want to be able to spend time with my husband but at the same time he wants to enjoy himself too. I feel stuck. I want him to enjoy himself, but it's a my expense. And I feel bad for saying it that way because it seems like I'm being selfish. I want to be able to do what I do and be happy. I'm just not happy.

I came to the realization the other day that I always feel guilty for things wether or not they are my fault. It's how I grew up I think. Mom has a pride thing. She can't be wrong and when you're at her mercy it's either accept defeat or be punished for it. I've had plenty of both options and I think that's where my problem lies. With that being said it's hard to see my own problems from a third persons point of view and be able to tell if what I'm feeling is justified or selfish.

I'll leave today's events a that... night guys.