My Fantasy Life

When I was younger I use to fantasize about growing up and starting a family. I imagined waking up in the morning with the sun shining in my room through the lacy curtains while surrounded by fluffy white sheets and comforters. My son would come charging into my room and make a running leap for the bed where my amazing husband and I would tag team him in a giant tickle match. After all the fun we’d head downstairs and I’d make us breakfast that consisted of blueberry pancakes, strawberries and a glass of orange juice. It was the perfect bright and sunny day with a loving family in a perfect world…

What I have now is this… I have been living with my husbands parents since February of this year. I have a one year old son who lives in my room with my husband and I which is actually a garage we closed in. Instead of white fluffy sheets and comforters we have clearanced sheets from an outlet store and a grey king sized blanket for a comforter. My husband is gone when I get up in the morning and my son has usually taken his place in the bed by then. I wake up to him repositioning his elbow in my face and then a wet spot in the bed from his diaper that I forgot to change before I put him down the night before. His breakfast usually consists of milk and cherrios while I settle for a glass of sweet tea.

I didn’t get the fantasy life I dreamed of. I find reasons to pout and moan about my current situation but you know what? Somewhere between the dirty sheets and the lake I’m left with after bath time, I find peace in my life. I wake up to a beautiful, clueless, blond little boy smiling at me through a binky. I nibble at his fingers when he shares his breakfast with me in the mornings. I tingle with joy when he brings me a blanket and crawls into my lap for nap time. And I stand back and smile every time I put him in his (my) favorite cars pajamas with matching slippers. It’s the simple things in life that make it worth living.

I was not expecting this child but my little boy and his father are the best things that ever happened to me. I get so wrapped up in life and in routine that I don’t stop to cherish the moments that matter. I worry too much about finances and who’s not doing what that I lose sight of what’s important. WHO is important. Without my husband and my son I would not be where I am today. You may not see this as anywhere special, but to me I am with my family and that is all I need.



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AWOL

Today Shane and I had a very long talk inspired by a not so long argument. To sum it up, AWOL.

AWOL is A Way Of Life. Everyone has one and its no secret that we don't always agree with another persons "WOL" or Way Of Life. That can not be changed. At least not as easily as how you let it effect you. So, starting today Shane and I are working together to make the best of a "bad" situation. Lots of changes are in store for this coming season. Mainly from me.

There are lots of things about my personality that were shaped by the people around me and not all of them I am proud of. They are things that I have tried to change but they refuse to let loose their grip on me. So it's time for a new technique. Instead of getting rid of said personality flaws, I have decided, with the help of my amazing husband, to create a new way of expressing myself in those moments of reckless thinking and overwhelming frustration. A blog. Not a public blog, because those of you involved in my frustration would most likely take major offense to my built-up and over exaggerated interpretation of the current situation. But writing down all my thoughts is no good without someone to share them with. This is where my before mentioned amazing husband comes riding in on his mighty steed (a Mustang of course) of peeling paint and brake dust that he adopted as his own after we married. But that's another story :)

My amazing car stealing husband will read my blogs of anger and we will talk about it if needed. I'm pretty sure they will be self explanatory. None the less, my personality flaws can continue on while my feelings get released and my stress dies down. I'm hoping eventually this process will allow me to let loose of these things that urk me about myself.

This is just one of the new changes coming. Others include slapping a Joker grin on my face despite my feelings and keeping my life between Shane and I instead of talking them out with others. These are both to avoid clashes of the phenomenon previously refereed to as AWOL. My life is my business so I need to make sure it stays that way.

Also, I have recently came to the realization that no matter how many things I do to keep other people satisfied in the end everyone is still grumpy, including me. So why try in vain to please others at my own expense when I can at least make myself happy? -- This is the basis of my new WOL. From now on the goal is to put my happiness first as well as that of my family and once that goal is met then I can tend to everyone else. No more am I going to continue on feeling used and unappreciated. If I'm not happy with myself, then I guess everyone else is just going to have to learn to make their own bed.


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