Lately I've been been feeling down and depressed. I feel unwanted and ugly. Ugly, in both the physical sense as well as the mental sense.
I hate the way my present relationship is with my husband compared to what it used to be. We used to be close. We used to be involved with each other. Now I feel like all I get is the cold shoulder anytime I try to initiate any sort of spousal bond.
If I try to cuddle up next to him in bed he either turns his back to me or yanks his arm above his head. I try and give him a kiss and he turns his head away from me, which I think is a subconscious move, but with the way I'm feeling anything that even remotely resembles rejection hurts like hell.
What started this tonight was when I went to cuddle with him he snatched his arm to his side and pulled the blanket up to his neck.
We've been arguing more than usual lately and I know it's not all just me. Between work, a teething baby and the drama that comes along with living with your in laws, we've been stressed a lot and as a result, snapping at each other.
I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. I feel neglected, he knows this. What can I do about it other than vent to myself over the Internet and cry silently in the corner because I'm ashamed of the whole situation.
I feel stuck. I get up in the mornings to whimpering dogs, piss on the floor, and food and drink left out on the counter and side tables from the night before. Dishes in the sink that I try to throw in the dish washer only to find that it's still full of the dishes that I washed a week ago. I clean the living room of toys and blankets and what I assume were late night snacks. After a while I'm able to settle down just in time for my one year old to start crying for attention. We go in the bedroom, that remains a mess bc I'm already tired of cleaning for the time being, to play for a while before heading back to the living room and watching the soaps for an hour and hopefully getting the little one to sleep for a bit. Then one by one the residence trickle in from work and by 5:18 I'm up getting ready to head out the door and trade my responsibilities with my husband's.
My day isn't always this way. The house isn't always that much of mess, but things are more often than not, a hectic routine and that routine has worn out it's welcome. Obligations get the best of me. This is where my stress lies. Shane's is an entirely different story but its one I can't accurately tell so I won't bother.
Long story short... I feel like shit.
(This is how I feel. I do not publicly advertise this blog so if you read it and feel offended, I'm sorry but I am not removing the post nor editing it's content. If you don't like it, don't read it.)
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